If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Randomize
