I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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