everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Randomize
