I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
