I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
