Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
