I molested 6 butterflies tonight
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Randomize
