My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
