Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
