I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
