apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
