Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
