I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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