Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
