whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
