He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
