I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
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