So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
