I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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