My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
