I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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