Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
