...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
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