sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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