My brain says no but my pants say off.
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
