You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
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