Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Randomize
