I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Randomize
