ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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