I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Randomize
