Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
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