the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Randomize
