My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
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