It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
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