I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
