Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
you didnt know i had herpes?
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Randomize
