I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Randomize
