Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Randomize
