How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Randomize
