I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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