Dork........ .......... .. . ...... ........... .. . ... ...... .. . .... ..... .. .... ... .......... .... . . ..... Yeah its morse code, no big deal
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
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