i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
