I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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