I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
