Is it normal to miss your booty call?
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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