We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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