he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
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