you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
