My first STD was from a foam party
Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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