sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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