If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Randomize
