I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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