I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Randomize
