He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize
