i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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