it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
